The Life of KATE...

It’s a relief to see that I’m not the only one struggling, as clichéd as that sounds. I really plugged into the concept of identity when I heard Patrick speak about it in 2007. I think there are two major roadblocks I am facing right now: 1. Money, and 2. Courage. First, the money: I have school debt that feels like a noose around my neck. I am glad I chose to get an M.A., and I did think through the ramifications before I chose to take out the loans, but since the recession, in my field, the only options for recent grads seem to be unpaid internships or mid-level jobs that require far more work experience/skills than I currently have. So, I feel a bit stuck. I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity to reconnect with my other interests, but the clock is ticking financially. I guess I feel like I have to put financial solvency over striking out as an entrepreneur. Second, courage. After two years studying and working in the field, I’ve got a problem—I’m passionate about human rights law, but the field (as of now) completely leaves out the artistic side of my personality. I can imagine hundreds of ways to incorporate the two, but I feel like I am duty-bound to pay off the loans first. Additionally, trying to break into the writing/publishing world (which is how I would like to connect art to human rights) seems completely overwhelming. The thought of querying major publishing companies with something I’ve written—and then dealing with the rejection—eh, it’s a lot to think about. Again, maybe it’s a question of timing. I also identify with what others have said about needing support/encouragement from a community that gets your soul. I have wonderful friends and family, but we don’t share similar life/faith/identity goals yet...

I’m ‘Le tired’ (not enough energy to get off the couch, or la chaise longue)

(If you’re lazy, read the part above "Clearing the decks" over and over again until this is no longer an issue:-). Nah, kidding, kinda. I understand a lack of energy based on a tired spirit. When you have tried and the efforts you’ve made haven’t been rewarded, it sucks the energy away from future endeavors. Finding a second wind is the work of your will and that will needs a reason to kick back into gear, despite the past. My hope has been that your identity / story / plans will give your will a much better reason to find this strength. But I also know that a lot of you will have put in some years doing your best to get this far, and the wall you now need to get over can still seem very, very high. The first thing to consider is properly pacing yourself. In terms of rest, are you getting what you need daily (most sleep experts recommend 6 REM cycles, or nine hours per night), weekly, and yearly? Is your life balanced, because if it’s not, you’ll never have the extraordinary energy required to be yourself. The second thing to look at is where you’re presently wasting time, and you know exactly what that means. Put that time back into research, inspiration, and feeding those parts of your soul that need it. Finally, have a look at pacing yourself so that you reach your goals within a reasonable amount of time. I want to write seven books in seven years. If I do that in ten I’m still happy, but in either case, I plan my ‘life attack plan’ over a doable period of time so I have the grace to actually get there.

The kids are crying! (too many needs, too much distraction at home to pursue your dreams)

Some people live in family environments where most of their energy bandwidth is taken up by those commitments. Just keeping the machine going leaves very little time to finish a good book, let alone attend night-school or develop a small business on the side. But the real tension, as Kath mentioned above, is that if you can’t function out of your full identity, how can you help your kids see theirs and not get stuck in the rat race of education, work, taxes, and then... I totally relate to this and want to write a book on the subject, ‘cause it’s huge. But for now I would say that you need to put a stake in the ground. If you don’t arrest this process it’ll drag you through the rest of your life, living under the tyranny of the urgent. The ‘stake’ is a set of attitudes and priorities you want to foster while you’re in the thick of it. Meaning, you’re already doing a million things, so make each one count. Firstly, don’t waste time on amusement. If your free-time isn’t doing things that inspire you, you’re squandering that wealth. Secondly, make all your choices line up just a little bit better with your identity. My friend Hailey spends quality time with her two girls by taking pictures together (she’s a photographer) and helping them to make their own unique creations. Her articulate and humorous husband Andrew takes those pictures and makes miniature newspapers (as in 5x8cm) for the kids featuring their own stories. Instead of complying with status quo roles in the home, we can transform that same environment when we make each choice line up a little bit closer with who we are. So, whatever you have to do each day, make it a little more like you and it’ll add up to a slow transformation over time.

It’s too late, I’ve missed the party
(all your energy is being spent on the ‘part-time’ projects)

The average age of ‘successful’ people seems to be getting lower every decade. Pop stars coming out of grade school and software stars coming out of college give the impression that the rest of us have missed the boat. But I think we’re looking at the wrong indicators. The people who’ve nailed life’s real issues (love, lasting creativity, sustainable community) are way past their 20’s. In fact, some studies I’ve seen suggest that those that burn brightly in the beginning hardly ever burn for very long. Especially young artists who tap into the pop milieu, they seem to peak in their 20’s and then poof. I suggest we reconsider our metric for how old is ‘too old’ to pursue any given dream. What we should consider is whether we’re spending the time we do have in the right way, or if we’re redeeming everything we’ve learned so far. Some waste tons of time pursuing the right dream from the wrong path. My son Jordan had lots of opportunities to work various jobs on film sets, but he knew that if he spent all day being an AD (assistant director) he would have zero time or energy left to actually direct. So he took the guerrilla route of making his own shorts films, music videos, and TV commercials so he could create a more direct path to his goals. We can capitalize on our experience and develop our talents at any stage of our lives if we’re willing to set our own metric for success; which I define as being myself in a loving way to those around me. I can do that at 20, 40, 60... Especially given that each year exploring identity gives me a wisdom I can’t get in any other way.

No gas (petrol) in the car! (economic hardships seem too difficult to proceed)

The old axiom still holds true; that if you don’t work, you don’t eat. This is a good pressure. It makes you find what you’re best at and work hard at turning that into value for others who will then pay you in return. So far, so good. Money usually becomes a pressure when you’re not working from your strengths. It takes way more labour hours to earn when you (or your product / company) are only average at what you’re doing. If you worked 40 hours per week at things you loved and were really good at, you’d have too much money. But who gets to do that, right? Well? The money side of life is hard, but you can deal with this over time. As you work hard on building your strengths, you’ll also be building a good financial foundation. Our identities are wired to multiply stuff, in a world that’s wired to be multiplied. So, if you work hard by putting your identity to work, you will pay those bills and have something leftover to be generous with. Oh, and read Rich Dad, Poor Dad.

Your mom STILL wants you to clean your room!
(family situation feels like an anchor)

A lot of people live under the constant expectation of their families—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing—but the way these pressures are communicated or transferred can be debilitating. Other negative experiences from our upbringing can add to these internal pressures. These take up a lot of the headspace, or the bandwidth, we need to get on with being proactive. And you can’t just ignore the pressure, it has to be relieved. We’ve looked at this stuff in previous chapters, but I just want to say that asyou progress, one way to release some of this pressure and get the headspace back is to look at a really long-term process. There’s no way all this stuff (often generational) can be worked through before you get on with your dreams. You have to communicate, interact, change, and heal over time all in parallel with walking out your dreams. In fact, I’ve found that I have the grace and ability to clear my headspace best when I’m winning a little more each day through the exercise of my talents and gifts. When I get to be me, maybe for the first time in my life, I have courage to face the other. The other family member, or neighbor, or boss who may want me to be something else gets to reckon with the real me. Over time, those big giant problem relationships become manageable. You just have to work it all in parallel.

Does this color look good on me? (you’re too afraid of what others will think)

Another thing that messes with our headspace is a fear of what others will think about our plans, especially if our story is kinda out there. Often, the mean spirited response we hear from those around us doesn’t come so much from the fact they don’t like your story, it’s that theirs is being confronted. Like, ‘why do you get to pursue your dreams?’ And while I’m tempted to just say ‘lose the lame friends’, the truth is that you need those around you to be part of your story. And they need you for theirs.

The trick is to turn those mutual fears and expectations into a conversation. Do a better job of encouraging your friends while sharing your next steps and enlisting their help. Often, these peer based fears are only in our heads and aren’t what our friends are thinking at all. But either way, communicating what you want to achieve gives everyone something tangible to work on. And if you do fail, or do get judged, then learn to be okay with this because these two things will be part of the rest of your life anyway. Failure will teach you to improve and judgement will teach you what you need to ignore. And by the way, doing nothing about your dreams does not make failure or judgement go away. You have to grab ahold and work them to your benefit.

Where’s my ride? (not enough community support for what you want to do)

Sometimes it seems impossible to find a few people who will just listen closely, and maybe even throw in with us. But it’s super easy to connect with all kinds of people who’ll be more than happy to waste your time being typical. And it’s amazing how we can live surrounded by people and yet feel so alone and disconnected. You don’t need to move city or dump all your friends to change this scenario. But you do need to consider how you relate to each other. Thoreau once said that most of us “lead lives of quiet desperation”... where we keep quiet about our identity and our dreams. It’s like we’re all lobotomized. I say we end the silent desperation by being bold enough to change the dynamic within your existing network. Tell them the story you want to pursue and ask them about theirs. Take the risk of rejection, mocking, or skewed glances, and just let people know who you really are and where you want to go with that. You’ll find a bit of resistance, but you’ll also find comrades. If you do this over the course of a year or two, you’ll find that even in a small town in Switzerland, there are enough people to support your process. If you think these people are meant to come to you and pour time and money on your story, you’ll be waiting forever. You’re designed to be proactive, and proactive people create the kind of relational support they need. That support does exist and it’s closer than you think, but you have to call it out.

I've lost the address! (not enough information or resources to proceed)

I run into a lot of people who jump into university because it ‘seemed’ like the right program, only to change degrees within the year. Or they just stick it out anyway, get a job, and force that education to pay their bills... Not cool. Others will get stumped with all the options available and go into an info-coma, then end up doing nothing at all. When you start really pursuing your story, you’ll need to break out

of simplistic approaches by getting all the details required to make the best possible choices.

Two words of advice then: RE SEARCH. In an outside-in reactive approach to life, no one puts in the time needed to really search out the details that will inform a personalized decision. As you start to outline plans, take the time to do A LOT of research. Each important step should be really well considered by drawing all the information you can into the fray. Especially if your path is gonna be tough. Most people check out because there’s not an obvious open door, or because a solution isn’t immediately clear. Some of the things you may want to do are going to be really hard and will take heaps of imagination, thinking outside of the box, and ferreting out the angles everyone else gave up on. And, if your world has been overly mini- van-mom’d, then you’re gonna have to work extra hard at kicking doors open and finding solutions. Just sayin.